1. Incapable vs Incompatible

INCAPABLE

unable to do or achieve something.

INCOMPATIBLE 

(of two things) so opposed in character as to be incapable of existing together.

It’s not that I couldn’t do relationships because I was overtly bad at it.  I truly believe that if we would have put in the extra effort to learn how to exist together, as any relationship should, it could have worked out. Should it work out becomes the next concern if conflict arises amid the effort. However, for us, there were simply certain values, beliefs, and character traits that stood in our way; the overall foundation of our existences relented to cause compromise. So, inevitably, separation was necessary. 

2.  Resilience vs Resolve 

RESILIENCE

the capacity to withstand or to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.

RESOLVE

settle or find a solution to (a problem, dispute, or contentious matter).

Personally, I do not like to argue. I find no pleasure in going to lengthy extremes to prove a point. However, eight years ago, you could have caught me in the ring, because I had time. So with that extra time, I fought to the ends of the earth in every conversation. I thought it was impressive to my partner (or at least cute, in the slightest). It showed passion and zeal, right? How else was he suppose to know that I cared? How else was I going to prove that I was worth staying for? 

I found much worth in my able to remain, that I started breaking my own heart and values. My efforts were rooted in the fear of being abandoned by the one I loved and, so claimed, the one that loved me. 

Though admirable in my partners eyes, consistently choosing resilience despite the resistance within the relationship was actually eating me alive. What I have learned is: outside opposition comes with the territory, however, a house divided against itself cannot stand. Withstanding hardship with the right person is a beautiful quality, but there are some problems that only God can fix.

3. Compromise: Leveling Out The Playing Field 

Knowing what I know now, I had no business making concessions in certain relationships. I broke personal boundaries for the sake of keeping the peace. At the time, I didn’t have enough self-awareness to fully articulate my emotions, so I went on without saying/expressing what I could/could not do. As a result, self-neglect became self-abuse. So when I finally started standing up for myself, I was pleasantly surprised by the fruit. I expressed my needs/wants, explained how it could benefit both parties, and all left feeling heard, understood, and considered. 

Love and Basketball is one of my favorite movies of all time. There is a scene in the beginning where the younger male character, Q asks Monica, the younger female character, to be his girlfriend. Immediately after agreeing, Q starts regurgitating what he learned from watching his parents’ relationship (i.e. riding to school together). Monica didn’t want to do it, Q became upset, they broke up in record time and rolled around the front yard fighting as Sweet Thing by Chaka Khan and Rufus played in the background. 

Though a light-hearted example, if replaced with something very specific, personal, or valuable to me, I would hope to always have Monica’s conviction to stand firm on what she believed (yielding a more positive result, of course).

4. Love is a Wholehearted Sport

As I reflect on all the guys I’ve dated, I’m reconciling with the fact that I actually did love them. I assumed that, because the relationship didn’t work out, the love was never there. I mentioned a few years ago on my podcast that I didn’t love my ex the way that he needed to be loved. This may still stand, however, when I think back on our memories as a whole (not just bad or good), I noticed that I loved the best that I knew how. I did love wholeheartedly, even if the heart was actually broken to begin with.

I showed up in fragments of love. Embellishing in one aspect of the person rather than radically accepting the whole of them.

5. Arrived vs. Aware

ARRIVE 

reach a place at the end of a journey or a stage in a journey.

AWARE

concerned and well-informed about a particular situation or development.

I am a compartmentalizer, naturally. It’s hard for me to function if things are not in their proper places and God forbid I have to backtrack to reorganize the matter at hand. It is taxing and mentally draining, to say the least, when I get ahead of the process by skipping steps. This also includes the intangibles, like emotional health and self-awareness. I wanted to arrive to the healed version of myself so badly that I neglected the rewarding journey of discovery; self-discovery. 

Oh, the struggle of taking steps toward healing when the path wasn’t completely paved. It is nuts (and dangerous). It requires me to put my systems aside and actually become emotionally invested in my own well-being. 

6. Safe Spaces

Since being single, I’ve realized that a lot of my emotional healing actually happened in a platonic space. I had safety nets that let me fall apart and loved me enough to cover every broken area. They curated an atmosphere that allowed me to be myself, to be still, and to be present; thus allowing God to work in my present.

7. Brokenness is Not a Disqualification 

As a recovering perfectionist while existing in these safe spaces, I started asking myself, “If these people are not intimidated by my brokenness, what other excuses do I have left to hide my imperfections. 

I’ve learned that the right people are capable of covering my brokenness; completely unfazed by my rough edges. They are equipped to hold me up and hold me tight until my edges are smooth again.

8. Singleness is Not a Curse

Ooooh the nights I have tossed, turned, and cried out to God wondering if there was something I was doing wrong as to why I have remained single this long. What has been helping me along my way is, first, acknowledging the simple fact that I actually do desire companionship. 

Half of the struggle was forcing myself to live in denial. I tried convincing myself that I didn’t care as much (as if to offset the desires or make them magically disappear). By embracing my struggle, it became much easier to bear.

Truthfully, singleness has been a paradise; full of wonders, miracles, and adventures with God. There is nothing that I have need of that He has not provided.

 Though there is a subtle, nagging sensation that surfaces when seeing marriages blossom around me; filling the air with the fragrance of love that becomes increasing harder to ignore, I cannot deny the fact that God has still been indescribably good to me as I wait in line for mine. 

When I only pay attention to the things that I do not have yet, it clouds my perspective and keeps me from appreciating what is now. Patience is a virtue, for sure, but appreciation changes the waiting game. 

9. Covenant is still Necessary

It brings me great joy to know that God desires for me to be married too! There is an earthly, unconditional love that He has orchestrated just for me! I celebrate that revelation because there are so many perks that come with covenant, just as there are many perks that come in singleness. 

Not too long ago, God showed me a perspective that shifted my outlook forever:

The very moment you meet the person that God has appointed for your life, absolutely NOTHING will ever be the same moving forward. From the very first encounter, a new reality sets in motion where there is no point in time that your person is not apart of your life in one way, shape, or form. Where you have been doing life in tandem with God, you have entered into a new arena; doing life with God with your spouse. Everything changes from that point on and there is literally NO looking back (unless you will it, of course). 

Two are always better than one ; one covers and one cultivates. There is a beautiful purpose for marriage that includes companionship, as well as, fruitfulness and multiplicity. This new generation is necessary and so covenant is necessary! 

10. Let God Decide 

One of my favorite bible stories is in Genesis 24. Abraham instructs his servant to go back to his hometown to find a wife for his son, Isaac. The servant is troubled because he is, ultimately, unsure of how to even choose a wife for Isaac, yet he makes an oath with Abraham to try. 

He gets to the town and begins praying to the lord in his heart to show him a sign. Before he was done praying, a beautiful, young virgin named Rebekah appeared to fetch some water and the lord confirmed that she, indeed, was the one for Isaac. 

What makes this story so amazing is that after Rebekah returned with the servant, her and Isaac consummated and they loved each other all the days of their lives. God is the best matchmaker there is and it did not require much! 

Where I thought dating had to be overly complicated, God made it easy for/on both parties. Nothing was missing nor lacking and it happened in an instant. I truly believe that things happen with unimaginable speed when God gets involved. It may not take years or even months to find your Isaac or Rebekah. However, it is the simple certainty, for me, of knowing that this match was truly made in/endorsed by Heaven and there is nothing that I can do to prevent or encourage it.

11. Look for the Investment 

I’m still processing why this one excites me so much, but what I have realized about this so far is this:

There is so much pressure that has been removed from my shoulders since adopting this precept. I would get so overwhelmed by potential prospects, constantly checking my list to see if the interests add up, just to be at a standstill days, weeks, or months later. God showed me in scripture that with any woman that was to be mated to a man, it was customary that the man made an investment for her. 

Boaz beseeched Ruth not to return to her mother-in-law, Naomi, emptied-handed, so he filled her shawl with 6 measures of barley (if you saw Ruth walking down the street with this gift in her lap, you would have thought she were with child). There is always an investment from men of God who are serious about their bride. Just ask Jesus…

12. Jesus Did it First

As I am embracing the little time I have left in singleness, lord willing, I have become increasingly aware of God’s true love for me through the sacrificing of his only son, Jesus. I reckon it could become much easier to identify His heart in a spouse, when we have experienced His love for ourselves.

Overall, Jesus is the end-all, be-all of our existence. It’s meaningless to have this enchanting love connection and Jesus not be the driving force behind it. His love is perfect. It is food to the soul and it is rest to the weary. It is undying, and uncompromising. We cannot escape it if we tried. 

So I, genuinely, pray for all those who read this, anxiously waiting for their love story to unfold. I pray that we all wait well, while also loving on the one who can turn the page. 

All glory, power, dominion, honor to God, now and forever. 

Amen.