When reassessing boundaries within our relationships…
Picture your dream home. Imagine the most perfect place for you to settle in and enjoy for the rest of your life. How would you decorate? Who would you invite over to help you celebrate?
Imagine all of your favorite people in one place embracing all of the fruits of your labor. Who would be there? Now the bigger question becomes…who wouldn’t?
The Heart
It’s a tricky thing, that heart, ain’t it? The Bible talks about how imperative it is to guard it above all else. If you let it run wild, it will, ultimately, run your life; what you should/should not do, who you should/should not be, who you should/should not hang around.
We have a natural desire to feel loved and cared for by others, especially loved ones. But how do we even begin to discern who is for us and who is for our treasures (namely our gifts, talents, skillsets, and even our personality). Naturally, I am a big ball of energy. I open my arms to virtually every person I meet. How else are you gonna feel all of this love I have to give! However, over time, I began to notice the overall quality of the company I kept.
I received this teaching a few years ago that shook me to my core when learning how to set boundaries within relationships. As a visual learner, I tweaked a few of the concepts and repurposed it for personal consumption, so I figured I’d share with others like me:
The Porch of Personality
We have all passed by houses that were extremely attractive on the outside. The lawn was neat. The bushes were trimmed. The shudders stood out. Honey, and the shingles were shingling. That house had personality!
Whenever people would encounter me for the first time, they would always mention the energy that I brought to the space; the very personality that this house of mine added to the community. We all have that light on the inside of us that draws people in. Your light/personality is necessary to the inspiration/uplifting of others. You have absolutely no idea who is admiring your shingles from afar!
However, where I often fell short was when I mistook others’ admiration as investment. I assumed that because they were interested, that meant they were willing to add to the build.
It would make me feel uncomfortable to see so many people passing by and stopping in their tracks. So I believed that the appropriate thing to do was invite them in.
Then the tour begins…
The Museum of Memories
I am a southern girl who wears her heart on her sleeves (or shingles if we’re still sticking with the analogy). So being hospitable to strangers was the norm for me. I wanted everyone to enjoy what God has allowed me to have and the first stop on the roundtrip tour was the living room; the museum of our memories.
On every wall, you can see the overview of my life. To your left is my childhood trauma. To your right are my adulthood successes. The farther we journey into this space, the more intimate it becomes. I thought anyone could handle these parts of me until I heard the shattering of an old artifact; a trophy of joy that I cherished after placing Runner Up at my first beauty pageant. That was a special memory mismanaged.
Though in shock, initially, I snapped myself of it, remembering that they may not have known any better. So rather than addressing the mismanaged moment, I simply break the tension by showing a different room.
The Kitchen of Creativity
Here is where the magic happens! As you can see from my About Page, I am a busy bee! So the kitchen is really where I spend majority of my days (literally and figuratively). I love to cook! There is something so special about starting from nothing just to finish with a perfectly-portioned, well-seasoned meal. So you can imagine the pride that I felt! After spending long hours standing over this pot, stirring my life away, just so I could present this beautiful body of work to all of my friends, new and old alike
Oh the joy in my heart to see all of these people indulging in something that I was passionate about!
After a few laughs and full bellies, slowly but surely, people began to get up and leave. Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with this scenario because, in most cases, it’s expected. However, what I have come to value most are the ones who decide to stay. I developed this deep appreciation for every individual that cleared the table, packed the leftovers, and cleaned the dishes.
I have long-standing relationships to this day, simply because I noticed the guests who had a heart to help without expecting anything in return.
The Sanctuary
a place of refuge and safety
Whenever I needed to escape any chaos in the house or simply needed a moment of solitude, the bathroom was always the go-to if the bedroom was not available. Here is where we shed the layers of life. We find time to unwind and reflect, not just on life, but also on ourselves.
There is no shame here. You can be as free as you want to be. The sanctuary is where I found peace and quiet. When the noise would get too loud, I would always hear Holy Spirit call me to a place of intimacy; a place where vulnerability was required.
If ever I invited anyone to partake in those intimate moments, I soon became subject to their image of me rather than the one God gave. Maybe there would be a subtle remark here or there about my weight or my blemishes. There would often be a highlight of imperfections and impurities more than the parts of me that were made fearfully.
The sanctuary is a sacred place and, fortunately, not everyone is allowed.
The Bedroom of Belief
Hopefully, you have caught on to the capacity dynamics by now. The further we journey into the home of our hearts and explore every room the smaller the crowd becomes.
This room is what I consider to be the most sacred of them all. If ascribed to the tabernacle, the bedroom would be the Holy of Holies; the place where your beliefs are born. The vast majority of our lives (if not the whole) is made up of what we believe (about God, ourselves, and others).
Typically, the bedroom is a place that is specifically reserved for a man and his wife. So, I am happy to say that I have stood my ground on the fact that NO ONE is to occupy that space, lest it be my husband. He is the only one that is allowed to lie in the bed that is a culmination of an equally-yoked bond. The bedroom is a place to be cherished, not trashed.
When reassessing boundaries within our relationships, if we can keep it real, it’s easier said than done. It takes a lot of will power and self love to deny access to others for the sake of loving yourself and others wholeheartedly.
But kudos to you, my friend! You are doing it! I cannot wait to see how much more value you began to add to your community after this.
In Jesus’ name, amen. ❤️
Kierston S. Lewis 