Author: Kierston S. Lewis

God, My Redeemer: Recovering from the Ruins

January 22nd, 2025
REDEMPTION

the action of saving or being saved from sin, error, or evil.

the action of regaining or gaining possession of something in exchange for payment, or clearing a debt.

single card from Who Is I Am card game created by yours truly.

I would like to start this entry off by saying that my friend, Job, went THROUGH it in the Bible. Yet, if God redeemed him, surely He is more than capable of redeeming me…

JOB

Bless his heart, Job was a righteous man. He lived blameless in the eyes of others. He even repented for the sins of his family, just in case they sinned unknowingly! Next to Abraham, Job was about as good as they came.

Then the devil came waltzing into the presence of the Lord. The lord spoke so highly of Job that the devil incited God to remove His provision from him in order to see if Job’s worship was for real. The Lord allowed it, only restricting the devil from touching Job’s body.

The devil took FULL advantage of this. The animals, farmhands, servants, shepherds, his sons and daughters. They were all gone in an instant.

How would you have handled such devastation??

Especially when you were blameless.

Yet, Job maintained his integrity.

INTEGRITY

the quality of being honest, upright, and having strong moral principles

Job tore off his clothes and worshipped the Lord; acknowledging the fact that God is the one who gives good things and also takes them away. Job’s disposition did not change.

The enemy saw this and literally issued a ROUND 2. He was convinced that if God allowed him to touch Job’s body, then Job surely wouldn’t have been as devoted as God claimed he was.

So BOOM…Sores. From the crown of Job’s head to the soles of his feet. My friend was fighting for his life…and his wife!

“Are you still maintaining your integrity? Curse God and die!”, she said.

Then here comes his close friends. They arrived at Job’s home, saw his suffering, and immediately began mourning with him. They were silent for seven days until Job lost the only thing he had left: his mind.

“May the day of my birth perish,
and the night that said, ‘A boy is conceived!’

Do you understand the amount of anguish you have to go through to start cursing the day that you were conceived? Job was at his breaking point.

Job experienced opposition from all sides. He went round for round with his friends for 38 chapters trying to understand the mysteries of God.

Why did this happen? What did I do wrong? What was I missing? How could I could even begin to fix something like this?

KIERSTON

Ya’ll, I cannot make this up.

I have been following God for a pretty long time. I have taken some major leaps of faith, in the name of the lord. I’ve always wanted to be used by Him so that my life could be meaningful; full of purpose. So when He began ministering to me about moving to the East Coast, though hesitant, I obliged. He rolled out the red carpet for me! My foot did not hit a stone. It was a fairly seamless process (when I allowed Him to take the lead). I had absolutely no idea why I was moving but trusted God.

I settled in New Jersey for about six months. I lived in with two phenomenal young ladies who taught me so much about their culture and perception of the love of Jesus. They healed so many parts of my inner child by simply existing with me in my ‘I don’t know’ moments and often challenging me to think beyond my trauma. I did not want to leave by the time they were done with me! Yet, I felt the lord leading in a different direction once our lease was up.

Pennsylvania…

God, huh? It was baffling to me because I knew NO ONE in Pennsylvania, at the time. I did not have a car to get around with, conveniently. I was not making enough money to afford the apartment I lived in. I was living alone, isolated, and very confused as to why I was there in the first place. I felt no real unction to pursue anything there so every single month I was stuck with ME.

I was in this beautiful, empty apartment looking at four walls for four months. Praying, fasting, giving, volunteering, fasting, you name it. All that I could do to keep busy and regulated, I tried! And it worked for a while until…Winter.

It became too cold for me to casually walk anywhere to clear my head or pick up any provisions. Many facilities were closed due to the weather so I could not volunteer as often. As the holidays were slowly making their way out for the year, business was taking a bit longer to pick up. Not to mention, I took a huge leap of faith to pivot from a paying position in my company to focus on my passion for producing.

I thought if I fasted more and prayed harder, things would turn around like clockwork. But it just got colder.

I was losing more money than I was making and I was running out of food. Yet I woke up most mornings with perseverance in my heart. I threw on my favorite playlist and danced until I felt victorious. Then, this gnawing sensation that started in my spine a month prior started to get worse. Parts of my face and body would go numb and I had no explanation for it.

Maybe if I fix my posture. Maybe if I take some supplements. I got it! I’ll just walk more. That should fix it. However, just as soon as I thought I got a handle on, it would come back at the most inopportune times worse than before.

“God, am I missing something? Did I do something wrong? If so, how can I fix it??”, I would often say, but heard nothing in return.

It scared me because I could usually interpret God’s silence two ways: He’s either up to something that does not require my attention or He just up and left; leaving me to my own devices.

I was CONFUSED and the one thing that I thought I had left started slipping away; my mind.

I started having bad dreams left and right. I would literally hear the enemy whispering curses of death over me. My body was turning on me, but I thought that if I endured this, then it would warrant redemption, right??

I kept having this slight inclination to just leave. I would just go back home and start over. I assumed this was the enemies agenda because God has brought me all this way and I WANTED TO SEE WHY.

But the longer I stayed the worse things got. That brook had indeed dried up. I finally broke camp and went back home. I surrounded myself with loved ones and embraced the overwhelming peace of God on a 22-hour trip home after two weeks of torment.

What happens when trouble finds you when you weren’t looking for it? What happens when calamity knocks at your door with no invite? I reckon it could be a lot to process. Then I remembered Job.

With no understanding as to why or how hard times fell on him, Job suffered well. He was not perfect, but he maintained his integrity to the very end and GOD REDEEMED HIM AND HIS FRIENDS.

I may not know why these things happened but I find great comfort in two things:
1. I am not alone in the uninvited struggle.
2. God always redeems what is lost.
Since being back home, though in an immense amount of peace, I also feel lost.

I feel like I’ve lost everything that I was trying so hard to build in my life. As if the rug was snatched right from under me and my life has come tumbling down like a house of cards. I, honestly, have absolutely no idea how to pick up the pieces.

All I saw around me were ruins. Remnants of what could have been that now seem unredeemable.

As I was staring at my parents ceiling, with tears streaming down the sides of my face at this thought, I heard the lord say to me,

“Redemption.“

After Job acknowledged the Lord; remembering that He is the one who makes no mistakes, God restored everything that Job lost. Job received twice as much as he had before and lived a long life in addition to his regained wealth.

I may not know the way up from here but I do know that if God did it before, He is more than capable of doing it again.

Big ups to my boy, Job, though

Testimony loading… 💛
Home of the Heart

January 22nd, 2025

When reassessing boundaries within our relationships…

Picture your dream home. Imagine the most perfect place for you to settle in and enjoy for the rest of your life. How would you decorate? Who would you invite over to help you celebrate?

Imagine all of your favorite people in one place embracing all of the fruits of your labor. Who would be there? Now the bigger question becomes…who wouldn’t?

The Heart

It’s a tricky thing, that heart, ain’t it? The Bible talks about how imperative it is to guard it above all else. If you let it run wild, it will, ultimately, run your life; what you should/should not do, who you should/should not be, who you should/should not hang around.

We have a natural desire to feel loved and cared for by others, especially loved ones. But how do we even begin to discern who is for us and who is for our treasures (namely our gifts, talents, skillsets, and even our personality). Naturally, I am a big ball of energy. I open my arms to virtually every person I meet. How else are you gonna feel all of this love I have to give! However, over time, I began to notice the overall quality of the company I kept.

I received this teaching a few years ago that shook me to my core when learning how to set boundaries within relationships. As a visual learner, I tweaked a few of the concepts and repurposed it for personal consumption, so I figured I’d share with others like me:

The Porch of Personality

We have all passed by houses that were extremely attractive on the outside. The lawn was neat. The bushes were trimmed. The shudders stood out. Honey, and the shingles were shingling. That house had personality!

Whenever people would encounter me for the first time, they would always mention the energy that I brought to the space; the very personality that this house of mine added to the community. We all have that light on the inside of us that draws people in. Your light/personality is necessary to the inspiration/uplifting of others. You have absolutely no idea who is admiring your shingles from afar!

However, where I often fell short was when I mistook others’ admiration as investment. I assumed that because they were interested, that meant they were willing to add to the build.

It would make me feel uncomfortable to see so many people passing by and stopping in their tracks. So I believed that the appropriate thing to do was invite them in.

Then the tour begins…

The Museum of Memories

I am a southern girl who wears her heart on her sleeves (or shingles if we’re still sticking with the analogy). So being hospitable to strangers was the norm for me. I wanted everyone to enjoy what God has allowed me to have and the first stop on the roundtrip tour was the living room; the museum of our memories.

On every wall, you can see the overview of my life. To your left is my childhood trauma. To your right are my adulthood successes. The farther we journey into this space, the more intimate it becomes. I thought anyone could handle these parts of me until I heard the shattering of an old artifact; a trophy of joy that I cherished after placing Runner Up at my first beauty pageant. That was a special memory mismanaged.

Though in shock, initially, I snapped myself of it, remembering that they may not have known any better. So rather than addressing the mismanaged moment, I simply break the tension by showing a different room.

The Kitchen of Creativity

Here is where the magic happens! As you can see from my About Page, I am a busy bee! So the kitchen is really where I spend majority of my days (literally and figuratively). I love to cook! There is something so special about starting from nothing just to finish with a perfectly-portioned, well-seasoned meal. So you can imagine the pride that I felt! After spending long hours standing over this pot, stirring my life away, just so I could present this beautiful body of work to all of my friends, new and old alike

Oh the joy in my heart to see all of these people indulging in something that I was passionate about!

After a few laughs and full bellies, slowly but surely, people began to get up and leave. Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with this scenario because, in most cases, it’s expected. However, what I have come to value most are the ones who decide to stay. I developed this deep appreciation for every individual that cleared the table, packed the leftovers, and cleaned the dishes.

I have long-standing relationships to this day, simply because I noticed the guests who had a heart to help without expecting anything in return.

The Sanctuary

a place of refuge and safety

Whenever I needed to escape any chaos in the house or simply needed a moment of solitude, the bathroom was always the go-to if the bedroom was not available. Here is where we shed the layers of life. We find time to unwind and reflect, not just on life, but also on ourselves.

There is no shame here. You can be as free as you want to be. The sanctuary is where I found peace and quiet. When the noise would get too loud, I would always hear Holy Spirit call me to a place of intimacy; a place where vulnerability was required.

If ever I invited anyone to partake in those intimate moments, I soon became subject to their image of me rather than the one God gave. Maybe there would be a subtle remark here or there about my weight or my blemishes. There would often be a highlight of imperfections and impurities more than the parts of me that were made fearfully.

The sanctuary is a sacred place and, fortunately, not everyone is allowed.

The Bedroom of Belief

Hopefully, you have caught on to the capacity dynamics by now. The further we journey into the home of our hearts and explore every room the smaller the crowd becomes.

This room is what I consider to be the most sacred of them all. If ascribed to the tabernacle, the bedroom would be the Holy of Holies; the place where your beliefs are born. The vast majority of our lives (if not the whole) is made up of what we believe (about God, ourselves, and others).

Typically, the bedroom is a place that is specifically reserved for a man and his wife. So, I am happy to say that I have stood my ground on the fact that NO ONE is to occupy that space, lest it be my husband. He is the only one that is allowed to lie in the bed that is a culmination of an equally-yoked bond. The bedroom is a place to be cherished, not trashed.

When reassessing boundaries within our relationships, if we can keep it real, it’s easier said than done. It takes a lot of will power and self love to deny access to others for the sake of loving yourself and others wholeheartedly.

But kudos to you, my friend! You are doing it! I cannot wait to see how much more value you began to add to your community after this.

In Jesus’ name, amen. ❤️
12 Things I’ve Learned After 8 Years of Singleness

January 17th, 2025

1. Incapable vs Incompatible

INCAPABLE

unable to do or achieve something.

INCOMPATIBLE

(of two things) so opposed in character as to be incapable of existing together.

It’s not that I couldn’t do relationships because I was overtly bad at it. I truly believe that if we would have put in the extra effort to learn how to exist together, as any relationship should, it could have worked out. Should it work out becomes the next concern if conflict arises amid the effort. However, for us, there were simply certain values, beliefs, and character traits that stood in our way; the overall foundation of our existences relented to cause compromise. So, inevitably, separation was necessary.

2. Resilience vs Resolve

RESILIENCE

the capacity to withstand or to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.

RESOLVE

settle or find a solution to (a problem, dispute, or contentious matter).

Personally, I do not like to argue. I find no pleasure in going to lengthy extremes to prove a point. However, eight years ago, you could have caught me in the ring, because I had time. So with that extra time, I fought to the ends of the earth in every conversation. I thought it was impressive to my partner (or at least cute, in the slightest). It showed passion and zeal, right? How else was he suppose to know that I cared? How else was I going to prove that I was worth staying for?

I found much worth in my able to remain, that I started breaking my own heart and values. My efforts were rooted in the fear of being abandoned by the one I loved and, so claimed, the one that loved me.

Though admirable in my partners eyes, consistently choosing resilience despite the resistance within the relationship was actually eating me alive. What I have learned is: outside opposition comes with the territory, however, a house divided against itself cannot stand. Withstanding hardship with the right person is a beautiful quality, but there are some problems that only God can fix.

3. Compromise: Leveling Out The Playing Field

Knowing what I know now, I had no business making concessions in certain relationships. I broke personal boundaries for the sake of keeping the peace. At the time, I didn’t have enough self-awareness to fully articulate my emotions, so I went on without saying/expressing what I could/could not do. As a result, self-neglect became self-abuse. So when I finally started standing up for myself, I was pleasantly surprised by the fruit. I expressed my needs/wants, explained how it could benefit both parties, and all left feeling heard, understood, and considered.

Love and Basketball is one of my favorite movies of all time. There is a scene in the beginning where the younger male character, Q asks Monica, the younger female character, to be his girlfriend. Immediately after agreeing, Q starts regurgitating what he learned from watching his parents’ relationship (i.e. riding to school together). Monica didn’t want to do it, Q became upset, they broke up in record time and rolled around the front yard fighting as Sweet Thing by Chaka Khan and Rufus played in the background.

Though a light-hearted example, if replaced with something very specific, personal, or valuable to me, I would hope to always have Monica’s conviction to stand firm on what she believed (yielding a more positive result, of course).

4. Love is a Wholehearted Sport

As I reflect on all the guys I’ve dated, I’m reconciling with the fact that I actually did love them. I assumed that, because the relationship didn’t work out, the love was never there. I mentioned a few years ago on my podcast that I didn’t love my ex the way that he needed to be loved. This may still stand, however, when I think back on our memories as a whole (not just bad or good), I noticed that I loved the best that I knew how. I did love wholeheartedly, even if the heart was actually broken to begin with.

I showed up in fragments of love. Embellishing in one aspect of the person rather than radically accepting the whole of them.

5. Arrived vs. Aware

ARRIVE

reach a place at the end of a journey or a stage in a journey.

AWARE

concerned and well-informed about a particular situation or development.

I am a compartmentalizer, naturally. It’s hard for me to function if things are not in their proper places and God forbid I have to backtrack to reorganize the matter at hand. It is taxing and mentally draining, to say the least, when I get ahead of the process by skipping steps. This also includes the intangibles, like emotional health and self-awareness. I wanted to arrive to the healed version of myself so badly that I neglected the rewarding journey of discovery; self-discovery.

Oh, the struggle of taking steps toward healing when the path wasn’t completely paved. It is nuts (and dangerous). It requires me to put my systems aside and actually become emotionally invested in my own well-being.

6. Safe Spaces

Since being single, I’ve realized that a lot of my emotional healing actually happened in a platonic space. I had safety nets that let me fall apart and loved me enough to cover every broken area. They curated an atmosphere that allowed me to be myself, to be still, and to be present; thus allowing God to work in my present.

7. Brokenness is Not a Disqualification

As a recovering perfectionist while existing in these safe spaces, I started asking myself, “If these people are not intimidated by my brokenness, what other excuses do I have left to hide my imperfections.

I’ve learned that the right people are capable of covering my brokenness; completely unfazed by my rough edges. They are equipped to hold me up and hold me tight until my edges are smooth again.

8. Singleness is Not a Curse

Ooooh the nights I have tossed, turned, and cried out to God wondering if there was something I was doing wrong as to why I have remained single this long. What has been helping me along my way is, first, acknowledging the simple fact that I actually do desire companionship.

Half of the struggle was forcing myself to live in denial. I tried convincing myself that I didn’t care as much (as if to offset the desires or make them magically disappear). By embracing my struggle, it became much easier to bear.

Truthfully, singleness has been a paradise; full of wonders, miracles, and adventures with God. There is nothing that I have need of that He has not provided.

Though there is a subtle, nagging sensation that surfaces when seeing marriages blossom around me; filling the air with the fragrance of love that becomes increasing harder to ignore, I cannot deny the fact that God has still been indescribably good to me as I wait in line for mine.

When I only pay attention to the things that I do not have yet, it clouds my perspective and keeps me from appreciating what is now. Patience is a virtue, for sure, but appreciation changes the waiting game.

9. Covenant is still Necessary

It brings me great joy to know that God desires for me to be married too! There is an earthly, unconditional love that He has orchestrated just for me! I celebrate that revelation because there are so many perks that come with covenant, just as there are many perks that come in singleness.

Not too long ago, God showed me a perspective that shifted my outlook forever:

The very moment you meet the person that God has appointed for your life, absolutely NOTHING will ever be the same moving forward. From the very first encounter, a new reality sets in motion where there is no point in time that your person is not apart of your life in one way, shape, or form. Where you have been doing life in tandem with God, you have entered into a new arena; doing life with God with your spouse. Everything changes from that point on and there is literally NO looking back (unless you will it, of course).

Two are always better than one ; one covers and one cultivates. There is a beautiful purpose for marriage that includes companionship, as well as, fruitfulness and multiplicity. This new generation is necessary and so covenant is necessary!

10. Let God Decide

One of my favorite bible stories is in Genesis 24. Abraham instructs his servant to go back to his hometown to find a wife for his son, Isaac. The servant is troubled because he is, ultimately, unsure of how to even choose a wife for Isaac, yet he makes an oath with Abraham to try.

He gets to the town and begins praying to the lord in his heart to show him a sign. Before he was done praying, a beautiful, young virgin named Rebekah appeared to fetch some water and the lord confirmed that she, indeed, was the one for Isaac.

What makes this story so amazing is that after Rebekah returned with the servant, her and Isaac consummated and they loved each other all the days of their lives. God is the best matchmaker there is and it did not require much!

Where I thought dating had to be overly complicated, God made it easy for/on both parties. Nothing was missing nor lacking and it happened in an instant. I truly believe that things happen with unimaginable speed when God gets involved. It may not take years or even months to find your Isaac or Rebekah. However, it is the simple certainty, for me, of knowing that this match was truly made in/endorsed by Heaven and there is nothing that I can do to prevent or encourage it.

11. Look for the Investment

I’m still processing why this one excites me so much, but what I have realized about this so far is this:

There is so much pressure that has been removed from my shoulders since adopting this precept. I would get so overwhelmed by potential prospects, constantly checking my list to see if the interests add up, just to be at a standstill days, weeks, or months later. God showed me in scripture that with any woman that was to be mated to a man, it was customary that the man made an investment for her.

Boaz beseeched Ruth not to return to her mother-in-law, Naomi, emptied-handed, so he filled her shawl with 6 measures of barley (if you saw Ruth walking down the street with this gift in her lap, you would have thought she were with child). There is always an investment from men of God who are serious about their bride. Just ask Jesus…

12. Jesus Did it First

As I am embracing the little time I have left in singleness, lord willing, I have become increasingly aware of God’s true love for me through the sacrificing of his only son, Jesus. I reckon it could become much easier to identify His heart in a spouse, when we have experienced His love for ourselves.

Overall, Jesus is the end-all, be-all of our existence. It’s meaningless to have this enchanting love connection and Jesus not be the driving force behind it. His love is perfect. It is food to the soul and it is rest to the weary. It is undying, and uncompromising. We cannot escape it if we tried.

So I, genuinely, pray for all those who read this, anxiously waiting for their love story to unfold. I pray that we all wait well, while also loving on the one who can turn the page.

All glory, power, dominion, honor to God, now and forever.

Amen.
Stillness.

January 15th, 2025
STILLNESS

the absence of movement or sound.

Did you cringe, too? These past few days have been eye-opening for me. With so many seemingly pressing obligations that could stand to have my attention at once, God calls me to be still. The funny thing is, I would get so frustrated when I felt those subtle nudges that encouraged me to abandon the work to sit with the father (as if there were more important places to be). Reason said, ‘if you stop now, then you will never finish. You won’t meet your deadline. You won’t make that payment’ So I would succumb to that pressure

ANXIETY

a feeling of fear, dread, or uneasiness that can be a normal reaction to stress or perceived danger.

Anxiety blows my phone up more often than I like to admit. I also answer said phone more often than I care to admit. One day recently, I felt God calling me to stillness. Begrudgingly, I slid to the floor, bowed beside my bed and waited. I felt the tension. My heart started beating uncontrollably. The more I tried to focus on being still, the worse it got. Then the revelation dawned on me:

I ACTUALLY DON’T TRUST MYSELF

I would often feel so afraid to be still in the presence of God because I was unsure of what he was going to say and also if He would ask something of me that was outside of my own ability.

I addressed the simple truth: I don’t trust myself. In that same instance, the anxiety broke completely. This puzzled me at first because I was always taught/told that I should trust myself. However now I realize that all of that self-trust has to bow in the presence of God, too.

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD. I LACK NOTHING.

Being raised in the church, memorizing scripture was a given. Psalm 23 was the first on the list. However, after this anxious episode, I started looking at the psalm differently.

Nowhere in Psalm 23 did God say that I had to lead myself beside still waters or make myself lie in green pastures. He has always delighted in leading me down the right path for His namesake. So what qualifies me , all of a sudden, to rely on my own strength when it was never required to begin with?

Relying on the Shepherd is first acknowledging the fact that I don’t have my life together in the slightest and I NEED HELP!

That is where freedom rings in the hearts of the anxious!

Rather than being riddled with shame and guilt about my insufficiencies, I just started saying in my heart that I am choosing to trust God over what I think and feel. Words cannot describe how free I have felt ever since. Fear had me on a tight leash, but the lord set me free and keeps on rescuing me (even from myself).

I realized that stillness is all about shifting your trust from what you know to what God knows. It is a complete removal of pride and an embrace of childlike faith to follow their father to the ends of the earth knowing that He is incapable of failing.

Stillness is removing the load and allowing rest to fill your weary soul because God would never put more on you than you can bear. It’s stripping ourselves of every role, title, position, power, and influence and settling in a consistent state of being.

BE

to exist.

I’ll never forget God expressing to me in the midst of my anxious thoughts, ‘your existence is enough’. When I heard it, a whole weep erupted from my soul. I felt this great purging/shedding of who I thought I needed to be just to reveal the tenderness and softness of simply being
- BEING led
- BEING guided
- BEING taught
- BEING fed
- BEING loved
Hallelujah for the truth! There is no pressure that comes with being with God. When I trust him more than myself and shed these layers of life, I’m truly free to BE.

These pastures are starting to look a lot more green.

Author: Kierston S. Lewis

God, My Redeemer: Recovering from the Ruins

Home of the Heart

12 Things I’ve Learned After 8 Years of Singleness

Stillness.